still grim... but getting better* **
i hate everything. i am acting like that again. i have lots of work. i have no clue where to begin doing it. i want a make out session. i want to find love. but not yet. i want something. i dunno what i want. i looked forward to the day, but someone didn't even show up. i made a phone call to someone else and pretended it was for a different, more legit reason that what it actually was. i wanted company. but after a point i didn't make an effort to get it. my feet hurt. i borrowed cash from someone else entirely. i care too much what they all think of me. popularity is too precious. i must start cooking again. i may get takeaway. my hat is still at their place. my hair doesn't work without it. i hate it. i hate him. i hate them. rupert everett is gay. AND it's going to rain tomorrow.
*ok so i cooked rajma with aloo and yellow bell peppers. healthy meal, and it was yummy too. thinking back on today - i did ok. i mean, my performance at the exhib stand, though it felt fraudulent, seemed to fool everyone. as for borrowing cash, i have Always returned money on or before time. still feels crap, but i can work on not doing it too often in future. as for hoping for sex / making out, well i'm human, and probably at a forgiving type of time in my cycle. also, he was very sweet to me the other evening in office when i was inexplicably low. so i forgive myself for wanting some, with him. as for the other one, i did good by lying once i had ended up calling.
*i just googled my name and it came up with 5 hits that are really me, and the top one made me really proud. some work i did last january has finally been web-visited enough to become googlable. so we like me again, basically.
*as for the huge workpile dogpile, i have figured out where to start. baby steps...
*fuck them all. one way or another.. :D
**Maddo showed up at hammersmith at 10.30 pm. i was warm and snuggly in bed, but sacrificed and went to station to pick up, armed with whiskeyfull flask. i am the hostess with the mostess. we walked by the river, caught up some, and made many ganda fattas. two men came running out of the riverside cafe, followed by two more men in chef's costume who then attempted to pelt them with tomatoes. 'we don't work here', the first two muttered to us as they trotetd past. then home, and maddo was impressed with my place, yay! and with my huge j&b bottle, yay, whose level we then made a valiant effort to lower. two of his friends joined us, a couple, and we nonsensed the night away, until at 3 am my guests must have noticed that i was already in bed and half asleep, and they supposed they should go. there was a positively possible night bus situation available, and they availed of it.
**i got to work a bit late, consequently. they forgot my hat again, but she didn't. we are reunited and fabulous!
**someone caught me on my lunch break, standing open mouthed on the pavement staring at the new channel 4 building. he prodded me, and my surprised gladness must have been evident on my face. ah.. so sad, the need for warmth in life sometimes. warmth, even from well known, well documented, devils. someone else told me at lunch that he went to an LSE lecture with his female friend, whom i am fast suspecting of being enemy number one, the floozie. i'm SO glad i lied when i called yesterday.
**work is slow. especially as i'm blogging instead.
*later in the evening edits. **next day continuations.
*ok so i cooked rajma with aloo and yellow bell peppers. healthy meal, and it was yummy too. thinking back on today - i did ok. i mean, my performance at the exhib stand, though it felt fraudulent, seemed to fool everyone. as for borrowing cash, i have Always returned money on or before time. still feels crap, but i can work on not doing it too often in future. as for hoping for sex / making out, well i'm human, and probably at a forgiving type of time in my cycle. also, he was very sweet to me the other evening in office when i was inexplicably low. so i forgive myself for wanting some, with him. as for the other one, i did good by lying once i had ended up calling.
*i just googled my name and it came up with 5 hits that are really me, and the top one made me really proud. some work i did last january has finally been web-visited enough to become googlable. so we like me again, basically.
*as for the huge workpile dogpile, i have figured out where to start. baby steps...
*fuck them all. one way or another.. :D
**Maddo showed up at hammersmith at 10.30 pm. i was warm and snuggly in bed, but sacrificed and went to station to pick up, armed with whiskeyfull flask. i am the hostess with the mostess. we walked by the river, caught up some, and made many ganda fattas. two men came running out of the riverside cafe, followed by two more men in chef's costume who then attempted to pelt them with tomatoes. 'we don't work here', the first two muttered to us as they trotetd past. then home, and maddo was impressed with my place, yay! and with my huge j&b bottle, yay, whose level we then made a valiant effort to lower. two of his friends joined us, a couple, and we nonsensed the night away, until at 3 am my guests must have noticed that i was already in bed and half asleep, and they supposed they should go. there was a positively possible night bus situation available, and they availed of it.
**i got to work a bit late, consequently. they forgot my hat again, but she didn't. we are reunited and fabulous!
**someone caught me on my lunch break, standing open mouthed on the pavement staring at the new channel 4 building. he prodded me, and my surprised gladness must have been evident on my face. ah.. so sad, the need for warmth in life sometimes. warmth, even from well known, well documented, devils. someone else told me at lunch that he went to an LSE lecture with his female friend, whom i am fast suspecting of being enemy number one, the floozie. i'm SO glad i lied when i called yesterday.
**work is slow. especially as i'm blogging instead.
*later in the evening edits. **next day continuations.
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./w