friday without zzzing
One of my best friends got dumped by the guy she had convinced herself was 'the one'. Sharp sudden deja vu to 2004 when I was in that exact position - having been dumped by someone I considered to be my family and my future... the start of a long and often painful journey to find my soul again... so that I could find a mate for it. I slipped up so many times! I fooled myself over and over again. Accorded heavy meaning to things that probably didn't have any (I'm still not sure, see). Came to a point where deep emotional compatibility was an impossible thing, and every evening had to be marked by a conquest - or I didn't deserve sleep.
She was with me in those years, this friend. She and Amy, our other flatmate, helped create this wonderful circle of strength that I became part of. Found my own strength and learnt to forgive my own weaknesses, and to have so much fun. To understand and love yourself is the most beautiful thing I've ever known. They were both with me, on the same journey, and I thought their, her, confidence could never be shaken.
All it took was a selfish boy. It's not fair. And I want to kill him.
The annoying part is, this has shaken my trust in the bear. He came back home yesterday, but everything feels prickly between us. Everything he says seems designed to reject me or mock me. I can’t tell how much of this is real and how much a reaction to the last few days. He fell ill on the trip too, which feels like a testament to how terribly I look after him. Bad wife complex. Think we just need an evening of quiet togetherness perhaps.
It's 2010, but I'm back in a six year old nightmare.
She was with me in those years, this friend. She and Amy, our other flatmate, helped create this wonderful circle of strength that I became part of. Found my own strength and learnt to forgive my own weaknesses, and to have so much fun. To understand and love yourself is the most beautiful thing I've ever known. They were both with me, on the same journey, and I thought their, her, confidence could never be shaken.
All it took was a selfish boy. It's not fair. And I want to kill him.
The annoying part is, this has shaken my trust in the bear. He came back home yesterday, but everything feels prickly between us. Everything he says seems designed to reject me or mock me. I can’t tell how much of this is real and how much a reaction to the last few days. He fell ill on the trip too, which feels like a testament to how terribly I look after him. Bad wife complex. Think we just need an evening of quiet togetherness perhaps.
It's 2010, but I'm back in a six year old nightmare.
Comments
And the projection-of-crisis-upon-self is 100% natural and the problem 100% fictitious. You can take my word for it.
-Inky