fleeting

this is getting ridiculous!

i am completely fragmented. bits of my mind are centrifuging away from the mother ship, chasing after bop jessop, jane m. jacobs and charlene spretnak, none of whom i care much about. another piece is obstinately clinging to ambitious ideas of linking economic theory to fundas of public space (partly to prove to myself how cool i am, partly to get away from the jessops of this world, and partly to reinforce the notion that i am the smartest little chit in the world and not just a pretty face, to my supervisor and others). of course, there are the usual push-pull forces of wanting to explore yet another corner of london, find another outdoor location conducive to reading, or a dry bench where one can curl up like a bum and privatise some public space. and lastly, there's the constant need to fill my greedy stomach with chocolate, pork coated with m.s.g. and/or other wrong kinds of food for vain and chubby people.

so as a result, there is no synthesis of thoughts in my head. i take notes, physically and mentally, and store them away in a corner of some grey lobe somewhere, but have no idea how to summon them up later, as these pieces of brain matter go travelling (squidgily perhaps), not letting me consolidate my savoir, wasting entire days of reading pithy stuff that i even understand sometimes, but can't remember because one particular piece of my mind went a-roaming when it should have been reporting to the others. irresponsible, frivolous, fickle neurons! and now the dendrites are sending them to coventry. sadly though, coventry is a place in the south (?) of england, where these backpack happy chunks of cytoplasm will happily find inconsequentialities to engage with. enough biology metaphor? ok.

so, i find myself wisest a. in the shower, like most people, and b. when i'm in a far corner in a party/presentation/lecture, participating only slightly. the wheels, they turn. unnoticed, a wallflower, staring off into space. illegitimacy of timing and place, i find, is the perfect configuration for my flutterby head to focus on things. and that's always a surprise too, what things it focuses on. these are the times i find out what's been stewing under the surface for weeks perhaps, and the fully-formed ideas fall into my consciousness. lucky me.

having established now, that i am some kind of genius, and therefore needn't worry about lack of productivity on paper, as deep inside, cogs are grinding, i will now go back to deciding between the 4 bits of paper before me; which to carry in my pocket for the most immediate osmosis-type knowledge absorption and which to put in my bag as secondary 'reading' materials.

p.s.: if any one gets this post, please let me know. one of my latest self-crises is one of articulation, coherence and communication. (asking for it eh?)

p.p.s: another is a crisis of faith in academia.

n.b.: a third is a reversion to verbal diaorrhea, which had abated for a short time recently.