realisation

I am jaded.

My annoying american colleague has been doing what I do for ten years longer than I have, but she still has the energy to take every new piece of work thrown our way by the planners as a challenge, and to try and save the world through it, bit by bit. She can still rehearse the arguments of the good and the true, every time, about how our specialist contribution will make such and such project better for its context. and she explains it tirelessly to the bosses and the clients in terms that they understand - long term benefit, social cohesion, 5 year plan, all rounder, farsighted, bla bla bla.

whereas to me, uttering these words feels like eating them, chewing them and spitting them out, because they are now indigestible.

i'm going to stop blaming my job, colleagues, bosses and pay for my current state of extreme unrest at work. i am simply jaded, and cannot find the slightest motivation for anything i do. i am to speak at a conference next month, alongside ol' boris johnson, but i can't muster the spirit to open the report and make the presentation.

i am enthu no longer, am not a force to be reckoned with, have no power or inclination to intervene in the set courses of mundane or big things. no bright eyes.