crazy, not cute

ah, feels good to be posting on MY blog again, rather than our blog. our friggin competition work blog. i've learned a few things this weekend:

• i do have a strangely conflictual working model when it comes to architecture or urban design type work - i.e. things i care about.
• my passion and love for things, because it is often dark, is seen as negativity. which it isn't. i would compare it to people's denunciation of Satanic Verses, without realising how much love for Islam Rushdie wrote with. hehe, fatheaded much?
• i blur boundaries between work outputs and personalities. try as i might, i cannot separate people's reasons for doing things a certain way from their psyche. this is an unnatural divide. however, this makes me seem catty and overly personal in some work environments. again, these are work environments where i care about the work being done, unlike most of my actual workday office work.
• i put myself in situations where my choicest demons come into play against me. again and again. i overestimate myself, or underestimate demons, or hope for miracles. something. but i do this to myself. thankfully i have this blog in which to write about it later, which makes me feel all sane and rational again.
• my mother is crazy. i have inherited much of it. this means i will never find a 'life partner' who will fall in love with me, because no one wants the burden of a neurotic and insecure person on themselves. neurotic; not smart, witty, sharp, deep and interesting. neurotic, personal, catty and insecure.

don't get me wrong, this isn't entirely self pity or something. just a way of recording, so that i never again forget, what people see into the way i am. of course they are just as judgmental, and probably much less rational; i hurt them, they hide behind their judgments. but that's just people. i shouldn't expect understanding from them.

too bad if i'm a people person. people are assholes. gotta remember that.