bhainchod!

Anticlimactic beginning to term-time. much awaited meetings fizzled into nothingness. work is not as juicy as it was in my imagination either. guess i was living off mental reruns of a few whiskey sozzled evenings all of last month, evenings when everything felt just right.

it's hard to want something so much even when you know it isn't possible. and definitely not possible yet. childish, stupid and very very hard. i would like to give into desire with abandon and see where it takes me, but i have way too much to lose. and lose i will, tasting the bitterness of rejection, ridicule and failure all at once. i should have been a masochist so i could at least have enjoyed this.

aaarrrgh!

i want him.

i want to be great at what i do.

i want to know which way to go after these enjoyably procrastinatey months of grad school

and i want it all now.

is anyone out there listening? grant me a birthday wish?