delhi drives me astray
it could be the paucity of internet access (this is not a general thing - i've just chosen to live a very low tech few weeks here); it could be the inclement weather (although today it is sweetly breezy); it could be the host of ghosts (though i carry most of mine everywhere) - but delhi as always, is blowing and buffeting me hither and thither. here, i lose sight of objectives, i lose direction, i once lost innocence, and then lost my heart also.
the question 'what am i doing' has fewer answers for me in delhi than anywhere else; elsewhere i can focus. delhi blurs my focus. all the different delhis. the farmhouse with high ceilings and hound dogs; the flat with musty mattresses, new computers, a dirty kitchen and high heels; the cramped encroachment with the world class home theatre system and bmw; the ailing grandmother at the other end of DND flyway and the other end of the phone call i never make for fear she won't know me; the lutyens' bungalows and the leafy streets where a 12 year old me will always ride a bicycle in loops, daydreaming of the next adventure - i lose focus just transiting between these forms of delhi, to fit within each of which i myself have to shift shape. a shape shifter, i still haven't found my own (grown up) true shape in delhi. london has that imprint safe, and it doesn't seem to exist here. or maybe it's about being alone. i can't be alone here, can't manage it, and don't like it. (in london, i can't not be alone. i go wild if i'm trapped in company. weird)
but this is not a sad post. not at all.
this trip is a treasure trove of moments warm, delightful and uproarious. i've found new heroes here and old loves who still remain as dear. and some lovers who've lost their shine completely, as i see their true selves, sadly without the haloes i gave them. oh well.
new heroes - friends with ideas and conviction, who set out to change the world, as we all did of course, but without crutches like foreign stamps of education, comfier lifestyles. they battle daily in impossible delhi, learn many languages - politicians', contractors', educators', trainees', policemens'; they fight tooth and nail to stay afloat in this mess of a city and country that they've chosen to love and tend and not to desert.
no, I haven't deserted. i need to ripen still, i'm still cooking. and when done, i'll come back. and delhi won't trick me and make me lose my footing anymore. grrrrrrr
the question 'what am i doing' has fewer answers for me in delhi than anywhere else; elsewhere i can focus. delhi blurs my focus. all the different delhis. the farmhouse with high ceilings and hound dogs; the flat with musty mattresses, new computers, a dirty kitchen and high heels; the cramped encroachment with the world class home theatre system and bmw; the ailing grandmother at the other end of DND flyway and the other end of the phone call i never make for fear she won't know me; the lutyens' bungalows and the leafy streets where a 12 year old me will always ride a bicycle in loops, daydreaming of the next adventure - i lose focus just transiting between these forms of delhi, to fit within each of which i myself have to shift shape. a shape shifter, i still haven't found my own (grown up) true shape in delhi. london has that imprint safe, and it doesn't seem to exist here. or maybe it's about being alone. i can't be alone here, can't manage it, and don't like it. (in london, i can't not be alone. i go wild if i'm trapped in company. weird)
but this is not a sad post. not at all.
this trip is a treasure trove of moments warm, delightful and uproarious. i've found new heroes here and old loves who still remain as dear. and some lovers who've lost their shine completely, as i see their true selves, sadly without the haloes i gave them. oh well.
new heroes - friends with ideas and conviction, who set out to change the world, as we all did of course, but without crutches like foreign stamps of education, comfier lifestyles. they battle daily in impossible delhi, learn many languages - politicians', contractors', educators', trainees', policemens'; they fight tooth and nail to stay afloat in this mess of a city and country that they've chosen to love and tend and not to desert.
no, I haven't deserted. i need to ripen still, i'm still cooking. and when done, i'll come back. and delhi won't trick me and make me lose my footing anymore. grrrrrrr
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